Insecure infatuation

 I have noticed something strange and interesting about myself. Whenever I am going through an insecure phase of my life, I seem to develop a crush on a man who happens to be a part of my daily life.

And in fact, at one time, I actually developed a crush on a work colleague when a flirtation with another man came to an end (when our circumstances changed which meant we didn’t see much of each other anymore). In other words, I was feeling insecure about losing the attentions of one man, so I went looking for the attentions of another man.

So while I am feeling insecure, I look for attention from a nearby male to alleviate that insecurity. The irony of all of this, is that it only takes one unanswered email or one day of not seeing him to plunge me into despair once again.

It’s like an emotional roller-coaster ride and it really doesn’t help me feel any more secure. And yet, time and time again, I do it.

And so think of the last paragraph of the book ‘The Thornbirds’:

"The bird with the thorn in its breast, it follows an immutable law; it is driven by it knows not what to impale itself, and die singing. At the very instant the thorn enters there is no awareness in it of the dying to come; it simply sings and sings until there is not the life left to utter another note.
But we, when we put the thorns in our breasts, we know. We understand. And still we do it.
Still we do it."